family

I just told my mum the news.

She sort of exploded, which is what i expected. So, i'm not surprised.

It's gonna be 4am soon. I'm worried abt tmr, when dad finds out (and i suppose everyone else, sooner or later).

According to min an, it's a gd thing that i've taken a step forward. A step forward and off the cliff? Haha. I don't know what awaits me at the bottom. Cushions and pillows, i hope. Not sharp rocks and glass pieces. Oh well...

Kinship and family...
My soci project is due sometime in feb and i've no idea how to go about writing that essay. Blah.

all at once

I might tear my heart out and beat you to death with it.

"big"

Cc's a little out of sorts today. We talked abt the funniest and stupidest things, like "big" boys and "big" girls. Wahaha.

Gonna meet darling #1 tomorrow for dinner and ice kachang. Looking forward to that. :)

Uncle Meng is scheduled to be back in singapore in feb to give talks in ntu and nus. Hmm. I hope i get to go for the talk, at least the one in sch. Falls on a wednesday though. Blah. Wednesday is my busiest day of the wk.

Had a nice run and dinner with ai just now. Didn't run much though. We're gonna meet up again next wk! :D

I've got to go do my readings for tmr's tutorial already. More updates soon.

retail therapy

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I cried again today.

And it wasn't out of stress or anything.

I cried because i couldn't stand the thought of losing you.

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Retail therapy today with evelyn in town. Bought a pair of earrings, a necklace and a pair of shoes!

Met darling #1 for dinner at esplanade, followed by a short walk along singapore river.

I feel so tired. Heading for bed soon.

untitled

I'm done with the lab report, except for 2 small parts that CC is gonna finish up. Went for dinner with him at Magic Wok after our discussion. Dinner was gd, had a nice chat with him till about 9 before I headed home.

I slept at ard 4am finally, this morning. Woke up at 7 with swollen eyes, a weird stomach and a feeling of nausea.

I'm feeling quite alrite now. Still a little worried about things but i try to keep them out of my mind.

Meeting darling #1 tmr. The thought of that should put a smile back to my face. :)

i closed my eyes, breakdown and cry

I can't take it anymore. I really can't...

Today is the second time i broke down and cried in a week.

Things keep going wrong and god, i feel so helpless. I don't know why i'm feeling the way i do. Things seem to be spinning out of control. He's driving me mad, they're driving me mad, I'm driving myself mad.

I pressed the emergency button. It's not working. Nothing works. Is there anyone out there?

I'm stuck in a tiny room. I can't breathe. I'm claustrophobic, don't u see?

And, there are quicksands around. I keep stepping into them and they're sucking me down, down, down. Down under. I get out of one, i step into another.

I think i need a psychiatrist. This is only the second week of school, isn't it? Tutorials haven't even started.

I'm working in my lab report. Everything doesn't make sense. Enzymes, DNA, calculation? What? What? I'm stupid, I'm useless, I'm a brainless pathetic little creature.

I have a lecture at ten tmr morning and it's past 2 am now. I doubt i can get much sleep, anyway. Too many things running around in my head. Counting sheep doesn't work. I tried. Sheep just gets me more irritated cos I start thinking of Dolly. Ha.

I command you to stop. STOP.

absent minded ping

I left my calculator at my tuition kid's place! grr. Think i'll make a trip down tmr to collect it. I hate to lose things.

Meeting lbandit tmr to borrow "memoirs of a geisha" from him. I wanna read it before catching the movie. Hopefully I can finish it by saturday? Haha. I'll try to speed read.

I'm getting tired. That's all for today's entry.

I'm never gonna take a bus from sch to marine parade

I'm never going to take a bus from sch to marine parade.

I took a direct bus there, wanting to avoid the crowd waiting for 95 to the mrt station and guess what? The whole journey took a freaking 1 and 1/2 hrs!!!

Didn't even have time to eat dinner before tuition. :( Emily got the maid to cook me some noodles though, so i wouldn't starve halfway.

I'm irritated with IVLE. Argh! It's down for maintainance and my itchy fingers just had to go click on my 2104 pop quiz. Some error ocurred and now my latest attempt is an incomplete one! That means i've got to do it again tmr! Grr. Or risk going down for remedial on saturday (which is a sucky idea)

I'm likely to work with cheng cai for mini-project. Was kinda surprised when he asked me. Hmpff.

tuitionphobic

Had 3 and 1/2 hrs of tuition today *phew* and going down again tmr for more tuition.

It's going to be a busy, busy week. Lab starts this wednesday. No more free wednesday afternoons for me. :(

I'm so irritated with CORS. Today, I received an email from them telling me that I didn't get any tutorial allocation for any of my modules. !@*&#%!$ Never get allocated anything means i don't need to go for tutorials ah? Yay!

Darling #1 is going to fly away again. I'm gonna miss u loads. Please remember to check ur gmail, k?

Off to do more readings now.

confused state of mind

I need to go back to running.
I need to learn how to destress.

I need you to be here with me.
I need you to hold my hand, even though i might push you away.
I need some assurance and security.
I need some comfort.

I need to feel happy because, sometimes, most of the time, i am not.

I am

I am depressed.
I am suicidal.
I am selfish.
I am mean.
I am ugly.
I am spiteful.
I am a cry baby.
I am a piece of shit.
I am vulnerable.
I am broken.

I am not making sense.

ping loves her multipurpose accessory

I went to chinatown with evelyn yesterday. My lecture ended at noon and i went over to arts to have lunch with eve. She's supposed to have a short meeting (which isn't that short, it ended up being two hours long) after which we headed to chinatown.

We walked around chinatown, looking at all the new year goodies, wondering how all the stall owners survive when everybody else is selling more or less the same stuff.

I bought this multipurpose accessory, which can be worn as a necklace, bracelet or even a belt. It is a string of small stones, intersparsed with magnetic beads which are attracted to each other and serve to hold the accessory in whichever way u twist them. Haha. I love it.

We had tang yuan and carrot cake for dinner. After dinner, we walked around a bit more and watched some performances. Scary ones and entertaining ones. I pity the volunteer for the scary performance. Haha. Didn't stay to see if the "master" succeeded in making the volunteer's arm turn 360 degrees. eeks.

It started to pour heavily when we were abt to go home. I decided to take a train back to novena so i don't have to walk such a long distance in the heavy rain. Guess what? When i reached novena, it was only a drizzle... :(

i not stupid

I get irritated sooooooo easily. I must remind myself not to get pissed off at every single little thing.

I must stop imposing my perfectionist ideas on everyone else.

Especially the people closest to me.

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Met darling#1 for lunch today. KL joined us later on. I left at 4+ for tuition at kr's place. Afterwhich, i headed for home.

There goes my hari raya haji holiday.

It's back to school again tmr.

Oh, I just burnt a cd just now. I didn't know that there's a software in my com all along for me to burn cds. Wahaha. Hey, i'm not stupid. I'm just not that IT savvy.

Beloved

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2 I slept but my heart was awake.
Listen! My lover is knocking:
"Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my flawless one.
My head is drenched with dew,
my hair with the dampness of the night."
3 I have taken off my robe---
must i put it on again?
I have washed my feet---
must I soil them again?
4 My lover thrust his hand through the latch-
opening;
my heart began to pound for him.
5 I arose to open for my lover,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with flowing myrrh,
on the handles of the lock.
6 I opened for my lover,
but my lover had left; he was gone.
My heart sank at his departure.
I looked for him but did not find him.
I called him but he did not answer.
7 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
They beat me, they bruised me;
they took away my cloak,
those watchmen of the walls!
8 O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you---
if you find my lover,
what will you tell him?
Tell him I am faint with love.

Song of Songs 5:2-8

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Love brings an increased vulnerability to pain and fear. Doesn't it?

i surrender all

"5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight."

~Proverbs 3:5-6

sushi

Went to esplanade's ichiban boshi today for dinner with liling before she flies off to the uk on saturday. The sushi there are nice and not too expensive. Yay! Another eating place for me to visit! I want to try the rest of the stuff there. The japanese satay looks nice.

I've an online quiz on basic IT and biology which starts on friday. How unfair is that? School is robbing me of my last few days of holiday. Boo.

I've yet to buy a birthday present for Elinna. What to buy, what to buy, what to buy? First 21st birthday party of the year. Think i'll go shop ard on saturday before going to her place on sunday. Last minute shopping. Blah.

i miss you already

I woke up this morning thinking of the times we spent together at starbucks and bk. The mugging, the stayovers at your place.

Gee, I miss you sining! And u've only just flown off yesterday! It's gonna be a lonely sem for me this sem, much less fun without u around. :(

Nevertheless, i'm sure u're gonna enjoy urself over there in uk. A whole new experience, ya?

Zen's gone off to Brunei yesterday too.

And darling #1 will be flying off tmr.

That's a lot of close pple flying off at once.

miss teo is feeling depressed

If growing up means taking more responsibilities, I don't ever want to grow up.

On the other hand, if growing up means having more freedom, I don't really mind it that much.

For now, I wanna freeze time. Stop everything from moving on, right now. Right here.

happy new yr 2006

NYE's was spent at the airport sending aunt cindy, uncle meng and enya off in the morning. After which, i met kr and min an for lunch in town. Zen joined us after lunch and the both of us walked ard before we headed to raffles place (him to fullerton hotel and me to esplanade to catch the fireworks).

Sat by the merlion for abt 3 hrs with darling #1 while waiting for fireworks to start. The last 1 hr of waiting was spent in anticipation to see which would arrive first. The high tides or the fireworks (we were sitting on the steps along the singapore river and the tide started to rise at an alarming rate at ard 11pm). The pple sitting one step below us had to move away other wise they will be soaked by the not-so-clean-looking-river-water.

I discovered that one of my roses in my first bouquet has fungus growing on it. My sis thought the fungus was cotton wool initially. (Until i told her that pple don't stuff cotton wool in roses.)

What should i do with it?
1) cut it away.
But that would leave 2 miserable roses in the bouquet
2) throw the whole bouquet of flowers away
I seriously can't bear to do that
3) apply antiseptic cream on the rose and pray that the fungus will go away
perhaps. :)

I tried removing the fungus with a toothpick, but that doesn't really work cos the fungus sticks to the petals of the rose. I seem to be picking at the rose with my toothpick instead. Oh well...

I didn't set any new year resolutions this yr cos i don't believe in them. Heh.

Nevertheless,

Happy 2006 everybody!