will anyone be there to catch me if i fall?

I have a bad feeling about this. Things just aren't going too well.

confession.

I have a confession to make.

I'm breaking down. I'm cracking. I feel split in so many different directions. Dance, school, studies, church. I don't have time to breathe. I don't have time for myself. I don't have time to finish what i need to and want to revise. I don't have time for my family. My house has turned into a hotel. My life is a mess. I feel like i've lost control of everything. All hell broke loose. I have a thousand and one things to do. Reports to do, plans to summit, meetings to attend, work to be done, readings to be read. I don't know when all these started. I don't know how i ended up like this. I don't know anything.

I want to quit dance after feb's performance.
I want to quit children church.
I even feel like quitting teens.
Praise n woship.
EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING ON MY LIST.

I feel so distant from God... and it has been this way for a long long time. And i'm supposed to lead worship in teens this saturday. Tell me how to lead. SOMEBODY. ANYBODY. PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO LEAD WHEN I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE WORSHIPPING, MYSELF.
I'm such a hypocrite. Yes, I am. Ha. Someone take a knife n stab me to death.

Last Sunday in church, I suddenly felt like going home halfway through praise n worship. Just pack up and leave. I don't even know why i go to church anymore. Yes, things are that bad.

Can i just disappear off the face of the earth? Poof. The end. No more hweeping. Nothing. Nothing left of her. All but memories.

i'm a hazard to myself.

i'm tired. i want a B.R.E.A.K.

i hate it.

I hate hospitals.

I hate seeing grandma lying there in her bed... oxygen mask covering her face, tubes sticking into her veins.

I hate seeing her being so frail and weak... Skin hanging loosely on her stick-like arms. Yet, she complains that her hands are swollen. They look and feel tiny in mine.

I want to cry. Yet, i can't. I smile, instead. Trying to brighten up the atmosphere. Trying to bring a smile to grandma's face. Aren't smiles supposed to be infectious? It doesn't seem to work when i most want it to. Damn, why can't things go my way, for once???!!!

She's still as concerned as ever about us. Asking me and mum if we've had dinner, who cooked dinner for us, whether sis had recovered from her fever, etc. We moved on to lighter topics... her favourite tv serial. The development of the plot, so far.

Grandma was propped up in her bed. I asked her if she wanted to lower the bed down. She didn't want to. But wouldn't her neck feel tired? Sitting up so high? She said, yes. Yet she doesn't want me to lower it down.

Hospitals. I hate them. They remind me of sickness, of death.

They remind me of the fragility of life.

thinking n praying

Had a long talk with auntie helen in church today. She's a great source of encouragement and motivation, really.

I sat Eric on my lap today cos he was feeling cold. He's such an adorable little boy. As i held him in my arms, he felt so tiny... so vulnerable. Cheryl, Kenneth and Sean are such darlings too. Though, they can be cheeky at times...

One more week for me to decide if i should leave children church.

"It really doesn't matter whether u choose to leave or stay.
You don't have to care about what others think of you.
You don't have to consider my feelings.
Think of where your burden lies.
Do the minimum then the maximum.
You'll realize that
God's grace is always sufficient.
I will want what's best for u
because I love u.
and God loves u too."

a close to the 1st wk of sch

yipee~ it's saturday already. One week has passed me by... The first week of sch was ok. Think i'm pretty much enjoying my modules so far... except for biostats lect. *yucks* Oh, i dropped "intro to chinese studies"... Firstly the notes were horrible...Secondly, i've got to go look for all the chinese readings myself in Central library... and *ahem* a LOT of chinese scholars are taking that module! Stepped into the LT and i tot i had landed in China.

Went to sch today for env sci n tech tutorial. a ONE hr tutorial. And i had to travel one hr to sch for that tutorial... doink. My total travelling time is longer than that tutorial lah... -_-''' Went to YIH CBLC to print my notes after tut. Lots of readings for "sports n history" but they're quite interesting so, hmm, i'm not complaining. :P went to cityhall after that to study before heading to church office for teens committee meeting. Bought 2 racerback tops from Mango. The one at Raffles City. Couldn't decide on which colour to buy among the 2 so i bought both. Haha. One's yellow and the other's green.

Going off to bed now. There's dance practice tmr at 9am, UCC dance studio. Peter's coming down... and we're doing 2 hrs of conditioning tmr with the FF pple. God bless me.

rest

Oh Lord, i am weary
tired and weak,
once again,
i come and kneel down at ur feet.

I've dropped my cross.
I've forgotten what life is about.
I've forgotten ur voice,
embrace
ur touch.

"My child," You said.
"You know that i love u
All along, i've been waiting
right here. Waiting for u
to come back and return to me.
I'll dry ur tears n comfort u.
I'll be ur help in times of need.
I'll be ur shelter, ur fortress
Your tower of refuge and strength."

tears streaming down my face
all ur love, mercy n grace
overwhelms me.
Safe and warm in my Father's arms.
Forgiven.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give u rest." Matthew 11:28

seeking direction.

"What should i do, Lord? In which ministry should i serve? Where does my burden lie? What is my calling? I want to be more like Mary in the bible, and less like Martha. I'm getting tired. Exhausted from giving and giving, time and again. Not receiving enough. I need a break. I want to come back to God again. Sometimes, he feels so distant and i feel so alone. But i know he'll always be there for me. It's me who've turned my back on him and never he who turned his back on me. I know i'm drifting further and further away... Backsliding. I don't even do my quiet time anymore. Yet, He's spoken to me time and time again, through various people... Joshua, auntie helen, pastor george, and sister eunice--- as she was praying. God gave her a vision. In it, she saw me shrinking. I was growing smaller and smaller... From a giant to a dwarf, and perhaps, she didn't say, to nothingness."

God is knocking on the door of my heart. I've locked him out for long enough. I'm coming back to the heart of worship.

desperate.

I can't believe it. I'm going crazy. Nuts. Bonkers. Checked my nus mail and i failed to get the module that i bidded for, once again. So, thus far, i have only 2 modules. Save me.

what have u lost?

Seeing for you

The leaves left at the tops of trees
sound like rain in the wind. November-
the sparrows play at being leaves,
the leaves at being birds.
I play at seeing for you
now that u play at being gone.

Linda Allardt

Borrowed this book entitled "What have u lost?" from the library yesterday. It's a collection of poems that expresses and explores the experiences of loss. Loss of loved ones. Loss of friends. Freedom. Memory. Things that are close and precious to our hearts.

As Naomi Shihab Nye says, losing makes us miserable, startles us awake. It's also inevitable. Tom Clark has written, "There remains the problem of not being able to see one's loved ones again, up against the problem of never having seen them in the first place. Were they simply too close to be looked at ?" Losing casts all kinds of shadows on what we thought we knew.

Is there anything good about losing? Does loss help us discover anything? maybe sometimes we notice or take better care of what we still have. Momentarily. Maybe the reason we talk about our petty losses with such energy is that there are so many inevitable larger ones that can never be redeemed or reclaimed. The people. The era of our lives.

Losing something is just like losing a part of urself. A piece of your heart. Leaving a gaping hole. As the famous quote goes "Time heals all wounds", perhaps, it does. What it doesn't state is that, scars remain.

Stuck in my head

"Milk And Toast And Honey"
-Roxette-

Milk and toast and honey make it sunny on a rainy Saturday, he-he-hey
Milk and toast, some coffee take the stuffiness out of days you hate, you really hate
Slow morning news pass me by
I try not to analyze but didn't he blow my mind this time
Didn't he blow my mind?

(Here he comes)
To bring a little lovin', honey
To take away the hurt inside
Is everything that matters to me
Is everything I want in life

Milk and toast and honey
Ain't it funny how things sometimes look so clear and feel so near
The dreams I dream, my favourite wishful thinkin'
Oh, he's bookmarked everywhere, everywhere
True love might fall from the sky
You never know what to find but didn't he blow my mind this time
Didn't he blow my mind?

(Here he comes)
To bring a little lovin', honey
To take away the pain inside
Is everything that matters to me
Is everything I want from life

Oh lay a little lovin', honey
To feel you're gettin' close to me
Is everything that matters to me
Is everywhere I wanna be

I'm listening to this song over and over again... Lovely piece of music. Thanks sining for introducing this song to me and sending it over. :)

He is merciful

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but no one seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everyhting was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did u know I was here?" asked the wary man of his rescuers. "We saw ur smoke signal," they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time ur little hut is burning to the ground it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of god.

give thanks

For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it:

You: "it's impossible"
God: All things are possible! (Luke 18:27)

You: "I'm too tired"
God: I will give u rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)

You: "Nobody really loves me."
God: I love u. (John 3:16 and John 3:34)

You: "I can't go on"
God: My grace is sufficient.

You: "I can't figure things out"
God: I will direct ur steps. (2 Cor 12:9 & Psalms 91:15)

You: "I can't do it!"
God: you can do all things... (phil 4:13)

You: "I'm not able"
God: I am able (2 Cor 9:8)

You: "It's not worth it"
God: It will be worth it (Rom 8:28)

You: "I can't forgive myself.."
God: I will forgive you.. (1 John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You: "I can't manage"
God: I will supply your needs. (Phil 4:19)

You: "I'm afraid"
God: I have not given u a spirit of fear (2 Tim 1:7)

revival of the com

A big thank you to guochang for formatting my com. :) *yipee*

a brand new year, a brand new beginning

It's the first day of 2005. And it feels like any other ordinary day. Went for countdown with sining and her hall friends yesterday at the esplanade. No fireworks this year... and everyone's sort of counting down at their own time... imagine this: one group of pple shouts "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!" and another group starts shouting "10, 9, 8..." Doink.

My grandma went to hospital today cos a chopping board fell on her foot and she's got a deep cut. The blood just kept gushing out... soaking through the gauze n dressing. Ya, so my uncle drove her to thomson medical centre and she had 3 stiches. Ouch.

School's going to start soon. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm starting school later than most people, though. One more week left. So, i really should shut up.